Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Workplace What-the-Fuckery: Putting the ASS in ASSault Weaponry

Behold, my primary ASSault weapon in my workplace ARSEnal!!! BEHOLD!!!!

Yes. I keep this can of air freshener front and center on my desk, because my sense of smell is assaulted on such a regular basis, it is all I can do to prevent myself from ZOMG RAGEPUMMELING the assholes who insist on either CROP DUSTING as they pass my cubicle, or insist on eating uber-stenchy fish soup in a small, confined workplace. 

Today saw fit for a bonus round of workplace pants crapping by my cube's next door neighbor who sits a scant 18 inches from me, who is preparing for a capsule endoscopy tomorrow a.m., who has been obviously on laxatives and clear liquids since roughly noon today, who has been involuntarily farting (and saying "Excuse me" to herself the entire time, WTF). And by "farting" I mean it truly sounds like she's been stomping the life out of the AFLAC duck.

Dear Universe: Please, for the love of all that is holy, please just make this stop and get me the fuck out of this workplace.


  1. Are you kidding me? People have NO decorum any more. I swear, this should never NEED to be a post.

  2. I swear TheWorkHorse was in her cubicle all day FARTING LIKE SHE WAS STOMPING DUCKS TO DEATH, then doing the walk of shame to the restroom when I believe she pooped herself.... thereby crop dusting as she passed my desk. To me, the overwhelming fragrance the Fabreeze provided was a tacit FUCK YOU AND YOUR STINKHOLE. I'm sure the subtext was too subtle. But I truly hate these people. And I am sadly trapped, ensnared by a salary that is "nice enough," yet so nice, no one will hire me because I'd expect to start at where I am (or damn close). 4 yrs, 2 months, 21 days to go.


What sayeth thou? (Mean people suck, don't fuck it up.)

"I hate people."
"People" stop being "people" when they become friends.
Friends stop being friends when they become assholes.
So to refine my hatred, I hate people and I hate assholes.