Behold, my primary ASSault weapon in my workplace ARSEnal!!! BEHOLD!!!!
Yes. I keep this can of air freshener front and center on my desk, because my sense of smell is assaulted on such a regular basis, it is all I can do to prevent myself from ZOMG RAGEPUMMELING the assholes who insist on either CROP DUSTING as they pass my cubicle, or insist on eating uber-stenchy fish soup in a small, confined workplace.
Today saw fit for a bonus round of workplace pants crapping by my cube's next door neighbor who sits a scant 18 inches from me, who is preparing for a capsule endoscopy tomorrow a.m., who has been obviously on laxatives and clear liquids since roughly noon today, who has been involuntarily farting (and saying "Excuse me" to herself the entire time, WTF). And by "farting" I mean it truly sounds like she's been stomping the life out of the AFLAC duck.
Dear Universe: Please, for the love of all that is holy, please just make this stop and get me the fuck out of this workplace.