Friday, January 25, 2013

Shit I've Said To My Husband

Me:    Honey, can you get me a Zantac?
Him:  Huh? What? Tampax?
Me:    No. Zantac.
Him:  Zithro?
Me:    No. Zamfir.
Him:  *blink blink*
Me:    Yanno? The dude with the panflute.
Him:  *blink blink*

Portmanteau a la Minute

A state of conflict between two people where one (or both parties) person is being over-the-top nasty, far more nasty than the confrontation calls for.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

You Might Be An Asshole If

You might be an asshole if...  
While accusing someone ELSE of being an "asshole" about food (then back pedal and call them a snob) you are eating at a banal greasy spoon known for its burgers and soup (a place so chosen because you have boring, provincial taste in food). 

Furthermore, if enjoying TASTY food makes me an asshole, it makes me wonder WTF YOU dine on regularly? Sawdust and Kindergarten paste?

Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Technically, nothing follows; however, this is in response to my previous blog post. 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

"Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's--where's the Rx cough syrup, woman!"

Monday, January 21, 2013

Portmanteau & Nonsequitir

Facon, fake bacon. One of many illusions in the post modern world.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

You Might Be An Asshole If

You send me an email or text reply with nothing more than, "K!"

That right there is a conversation ender. No further interaction with YOU today.

Furthermore, 9/10ths of the time that "K!" isn't even necessary. 

Thanks to you, you SINGLE-HANDEDLY have destroyed my enjoyment of texting or emails with this obnoxious little idiosyncrasy.  Not only do I hate talking on the phone with you, I hate non-verbal communication, too! SCORE!

Saturday, January 19, 2013


Average depth of an adult human mouth: 4 inches (approx). 
Average length of adult human tongue: 4 inches (approx).
Average length of adult human vagina: 4-5 inches (approx).
Average length of adult human penis: 4-5 inches (approx).

Friday, January 18, 2013

You Might Be An Asshole If...

You call your friends or loved ones no fewer than FIVE times a day, with the calls starting as early as 7 a.m.. then have the audacity and total lack of self-awareness and say, "I hope I'm not being a burden..."

Fuck that noise! You ARE a burden!

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Portmanteau a la Minute

Context: What masquerades as a conversation, a talk between two people, but really is one person talking AT another person and not WITH another person.
Definition: Spleen venting, rage soliloquy.

See also: Sometimes is also a simultaneous "vowel movement."

Tuesday, January 15, 2013


Perspective is everything. To one person, talk is talk; to another, it's nothing short of a "vowel movement."

Monday, January 14, 2013

Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

"I need some giblet gravy. I don't know what it is exactly, but I need it damn it."

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Life Lesson From Maven: No Good Ever Comes From

"Friending" your family on Facebook. 

You're going to have to trust me on this one. Fuck that noise!

Saturday, January 12, 2013


Yanno how "nothing rhymes with orange?" I don't think anything rhymes with pseudomonas (sp?), either.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Shit I've Said To One of My Parents

(To my mother.)

"While sis is manually disimpacting your bowels is perhaps NOT the best time to inform her of how very unspecial she is."

Context: Mom felt compelled at that point in time to expound on how she has a distinctly different relationship with all three of us kids. "I" apparently am the "friend," my brother is the "baby," and my sister, well, "I just love you because you're my daughter."  Yeah, just what every person with a fistful of someone ELSE'S feces just needs to know at that precise moment. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Random Shit Other Folks Have Said To Me

"Your voice is so soothing. I'm going to call you every day. You sound just like the psychiatrist on M*A*S*H*."

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

No Good Can Ever Come From

No good can ever come from having a career that requires you to stoop over someone for upwards of an hour if you suffer from gastric reflux. Seriously, no one needs to hear you gulping back your bolis, chyme or bile as they are trying to get a therapeutic massage. 

Fuck that noise!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Things You Should Never Say To Someone In Crisis

In response to your fertility issues: "Get over it, the world is over populated enough as it is."

Doesn't matter what was said prior to/or after that statement. 

If silence is golden, why is duct tape silver? Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

" Little Debbie (cakes)? What about Big Debbie? Sizeist bastards!"

Sunday, January 6, 2013

There Are Two Types of People In This World...

1. Those whose very lives personify what you strive to be; and
2. Those whose very lives serve as nothing but a cautionary tale of what to avoid.

In either case, we have a lot to learn from both of these motherfuckers.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Shit I Have Said To My Husband

During coitus, I have had occasion to look over my shoulder, giving my husband the "fish eye" aka "hairy eyeball" and growl at him, while he's pumping away at me at the same time grousing about how I fail to keep the house clean enough, "Look here. You can either fuck me or fight with me, but you can't do both at the same time."

He wised up, STFU, and kept pumping like a good little soldier.

Friday, January 4, 2013

No Good Ever Comes From

Taking either a Sominex or Melatonin at the same time as a laxative with a built in stool softener.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Things You Should Never Say To Someone In Crisis

1. When someone's parent or sibling passes away six weeks ago, the appropriate response is NOT, "Just get over it already."

Fuck that noise!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

There Are Two Types of People In This World

1. Those who pick their nose and flick their boogers; and
2. Those who pick and eat their boogers.

(Well, really there's a third category, and those perverts are the ones who smear their nose gobblins in places you'd never expect; but who's counting!)

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

No Good Can Ever Come From...

Eating watermelon or tomatoes in January. 

Globalization, my pasty white ass! It just doesn't taste good. Fuck that noise!