Friday, March 15, 2013

Life Lesson: Best Advice Ever Given To Me

(Courtesy of husband's grandmother)

"In probably 75% of situations, problems resolve themselves without any involvement from you."

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Mavenism of the Moment

"Raspberry Beret."
Definition: The (sexual) act of "going in through the out door."


A fool and their money are soon parted. 

Funny thing is, same thing goes for her panties, too.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Guess Who's The Jew: Part 1

In tonight's rousing round of "Guess Who's The Jew," I was stumped. I *thought* John Wayne was Jewish (according to, he was Catholic). Maharajah's response: "There you go again, this one's a Jew, that one's a Jew. Next thing you'll tell me JESUS was a Jew."

LOL... Whut?

I know I work in a depressing place when i reveal i want to work at a crematorium, my coworker poo poos that idea and suggests that I file a sexual harassment suit against him, and we split the settlement.
My reply to him: "Hey, I like how you're thinking outside the box... or is it INSIDE the box?"

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


Unless I ask you specifically (AND PRIVATELY) to show me, don't presume that since I, too, have had WLS, that I want to see your defatted, deflated pannus/skin flap, aka upper GUNT region. Double that if we are at someone else's birthday party (and you're yanking your upper gunt right out, right next to the birthday cake). It's crass, and really? No one likes a show off.

Monday, March 4, 2013

You Might Be An Asshole If...

You make plans with someone, then change your plans, and lack the courtesy to reply to calls, texts, voice mails etc, yet there you are, all day, TWEETING. 

You, madam, are an asshole.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

(Said today in regards to the timing of my mom's birthday party.)

Him:  So what time is this SHIT dig?
Me: Don't you mean, "SHIN DIG?"
Him: Nope. SHIT dig.

I'd say that's a fair assessment.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Exchanges With The Bossman

The other day, while expounding on the merits of "pocket likker" to the Bossman, he replied, "Pocket likker? Who the hell ARE you? W.C. Fields?"

Exchanges With The Bossman

In regards to the brownies I intend on making this weekend:

Him: "They won't contain CAROB will they?"
Me: "Carob is a crime against all chocoholic humanity. (NO!)"

LOL! ... Whut?!?

(Actual dialogue between me and a PD dispatcher, March 2009.)

Me:  I’d like to report a road hazard.
PD:  Where is it?
Me:   I just made a right from Main onto Lexington–roughly 3-4 yards in from the intersection.
PD:   Can you describe the hazard?
Me:   Yeah. It’s a sink.
PD:  You mean the road is sinking?
Me:  No. There’s a sink right there.
PD:  You mean a sink-HOLE?
Me:  No!! A stainless steel kitchen sink, it’s up-ended.
PD:  Was it under-mounted?