Wednesday, February 27, 2013

You Might Be An Asshole If

You, unfailingly, schedule every single family party or get together on Sunday, knowing full well it will mean five hours total driving time for me, on a day when I'd much rather be home resting up for the week ahead.

You Might Be a Dipshit If...

You might be a dipshit if you're surprised at how expensive travel and vacations are during national holidays, especially holidays during the summer, when every asshole is traveling with their kids while on summer break.

You Might Be An Asshole If...

You send us all an email informing us that you brought bagels in for everyone and the aforementioned bagels are from New Jersey, and then feel compelled to append said email with "I promise they're from the clean part of Jersey." FuckYOUverymuch!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Life Lessons: Best Advice Ever Given To Me

(From my former high school gym teacher Mrs. White. I have taken this out of original context and have applied it to a multitude of situations in my life and has fared me very well.)

"Never volunteer."

Monday, February 25, 2013

Shit I've Said To My Husband

Given his love of all things "I Love Lucy," and given his sarcastic nature, last night I referred to him (to his face) as: Pricky Prickardo.

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Random Shit Other Folks Have Said To Me

(Overheard at one of my barbeques in July 2009.)

Appreciative Guest:  “Gee, this is delicious. It tastes just like chicken teriyaki.” 
Me:  “Um, that’s because IT IS CHICKEN TERIYAKI.”

Friday, February 22, 2013

Workplace What-the-Fuckery: Refrigerator Edition #2

You (singularly or collectively) might be an asshole if: Your asshole-itude requires not merely one, but TWO signs. Apparently there's a wide array of "Work Place Refrigerator Assholes" where I work, fuckyouverymuch.


Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

(Said this morning, in response to me stating who were my favorite historical characters in the movie Titanic.)

Him: "Lemme guess. Fatty McGoo?"
Me: "You mean Molly Brown?"
Him: "Yeah. Fatty McGoo."

Protip

(This nugget is from October 2009.)

Public Service for the Gentlemen following my updates: If your wife is considering bariatric surgery, and if you have a convo re: football players being “massive and aggressive,” DO NOT tell your wife you think she is massive. You will not get your “ticket punched for a trip thru Tuna Town” for a long, long time. Ask me how I know this. I dare you. Ask me.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Portmanteau a la Minute

ScatASStrophe
Noun
Definition: A sudden onset catastrophe involving scat and your ass, oftentimes explosive and publicly humiliating.

Shit I've Said To My Husband

(This nugget is from November 2009.)

Him: [said something amusing] *Bah dum bump!*
Me: Rim Shot!
Him: I thought that meant licking someone’s ass?
Me: No. That’s *RIM JOB.*

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Workplace What-the-Fuckery: Refrigerator Edition #1

You might be an asshole if:


You think that leaving this frozen soda can carnage in a shared workplace freezer is acceptable.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

(In direct relation to the previous blog post, btw.)

""If you ever want to have sex with me again, STFU."

Monday, February 18, 2013

No Good Can Ever Come From

Informing my husband that I'm MERELY THINKING about collecting my urine to conduct an EXPERIMENT to see if it'd work to balance out the pH on my scalp.

Trust me on this one. I need to just keep that information to myself.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Protip

Gentlemen:  No good can ever come from saying to your loved one (on Valentine's Day, no less), "Hey! Grrr!! What's that smell? Do you need the bathroom?" (Uh, no thanks. It's actually my broccoli in my take home container.)  You will NOT get your ticket punched to enter Tunatown (TM). Trust me.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Portmanteau a la Minute

"PTGD" Post-traumatic gifting disorder
Noun.
Definition: State of being so underwhelmed by someone's response (and utter lack of appreciation or gratitude) to receiving your handmade gift.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

Husband: "It seems you're just crocheting just to crochet at this point."

Me: "I fail to see the problem."