You Might Be a Dipshit If...

You might be a dipshit if you're surprised at how expensive travel and vacations are during national holidays, especially holidays during the summer, when every asshole is traveling with their kids while on summer break.

You Might Be An Asshole If...

You send us all an email informing us that you brought bagels in for everyone and the aforementioned bagels are from New Jersey, and then feel compelled to append said email with "I promise they're from the clean part of Jersey." FuckYOUverymuch!

Life Lessons: Best Advice Ever Given To Me

(From my former high school gym teacher Mrs. White. I have taken this out of original context and have applied it to a multitude of situations in my life and has fared me very well.)

"Never volunteer."

Shit I've Said To My Husband

Given his love of all things "I Love Lucy," and given his sarcastic nature, last night I referred to him (to his face) as: Pricky Prickardo.

Random Shit Other Folks Have Said To Me

(Overheard at one of my barbeques in July 2009.)

Appreciative Guest:  “Gee, this is delicious. It tastes just like chicken teriyaki.” 
Me:  “Um, that’s because IT IS CHICKEN TERIYAKI.”

Workplace What-the-Fuckery: Refrigerator Edition #2

You (singularly or collectively) might be an asshole if: Your asshole-itude requires not merely one, but TWO signs. Apparently there's a wide array of "Work Place Refrigerator Assholes" where I work, fuckyouverymuch.

Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

(Said this morning, in response to me stating who were my favorite historical characters in the movie Titanic.)

Him: "Lemme guess. Fatty McGoo?"
Me: "You mean Molly Brown?"
Him: "Yeah. Fatty McGoo."