Life Lesson From Maven: No Good Ever Comes From

"Friending" your family on Facebook. 

You're going to have to trust me on this one. Fuck that noise!

Nonsequitir

Yanno how "nothing rhymes with orange?" I don't think anything rhymes with pseudomonas (sp?), either.

Shit I've Said To One of My Parents

(To my mother.)

"While sis is manually disimpacting your bowels is perhaps NOT the best time to inform her of how very unspecial she is."

Context: Mom felt compelled at that point in time to expound on how she has a distinctly different relationship with all three of us kids. "I" apparently am the "friend," my brother is the "baby," and my sister, well, "I just love you because you're my daughter."  Yeah, just what every person with a fistful of someone ELSE'S feces just needs to know at that precise moment. 

Random Shit Other Folks Have Said To Me

"Your voice is so soothing. I'm going to call you every day. You sound just like the psychiatrist on M*A*S*H*."

No Good Can Ever Come From

No good can ever come from having a career that requires you to stoop over someone for upwards of an hour if you suffer from gastric reflux. Seriously, no one needs to hear you gulping back your bolis, chyme or bile as they are trying to get a therapeutic massage. 

Fuck that noise!

Things You Should Never Say To Someone In Crisis

In response to your fertility issues: "Get over it, the world is over populated enough as it is."

Doesn't matter what was said prior to/or after that statement. 

If silence is golden, why is duct tape silver? Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all.

Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

" Little Debbie (cakes)? What about Big Debbie? Sizeist bastards!"