Original email sent to every single employee in our agency (as if we all care or even KNOW this dillhole personally--syntax, punctuation and formatting all AS IS/AS WAS):
I will be breaking out the Champagne on January 2nd, 2014 to celebrate the start of my life as a relaxed rambunctious retiree.For those of my colleagues and friends in the [redacted] who may have missed the celebration in Syracuse honoring my 35 years of service with the [redacted] , I would like to offer a few pearls of wisdom.From my days in the [redacted] Bureau, I learned that if you are unable to read a map…you are probably holding it upside down.I also learned that “chains and links” is not a description of a dysfunctional marital situation.From my days in the [redacted #2] I learned that an insurance adjuster will never admit that the damaged State guardrail probably prevented his/her company from making a larger pay out for the accident.I also learned that wrestling with a greased pig at a county fair or litigating with evasive student loan debtors can be pretty much the same experience.Finally, from my days in the [redacted #3] Bureau I learned that it is impossible to explain a hospital bill to a patient or his/her family members in under 1,000 words.I learned too that my friends and colleagues in the [redacted] are the best. I wish all of you success in your careers and endeavors.As they said in Rome….”Laborate et vosmet rebus servate secundum diebus prosperibus”…work hard and save yourselves for happier days…such as retirement!
Response #1, ALSO, OBVIOUSLY, “REPLY ALL”:
How about litigating with a greased pig ? Thanks for the wisdom, good luck to you!
Response #2 REPLY ALL:
Hear! Hear! We are going to miss your infamous poems and ponderings …
[Subtext no doubt: you’re full of shit and prattle endlessly.]
[PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!]
Response #3, ALSO, REPLY ALL:
Witty words of wisdom indeed, and as always; however, now I am picturing you wresting that greased pig!
[WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? AND WHY THE HELL ARE THEY REPLYING ALL WITH THIS INANE BULLCRAP?]
Response #4, REPLY ALL:
As someone who is currently working in the [REDACTED] Bureau, thanks for the tip on the maps---that explains a lot. Have a happy retirement!