Shit My Husband Has Said To Me

" Little Debbie (cakes)? What about Big Debbie? Sizeist bastards!"

There Are Two Types of People In This World...

1. Those whose very lives personify what you strive to be; and
2. Those whose very lives serve as nothing but a cautionary tale of what to avoid.

In either case, we have a lot to learn from both of these motherfuckers.

Shit I Have Said To My Husband

During coitus, I have had occasion to look over my shoulder, giving my husband the "fish eye" aka "hairy eyeball" and growl at him, while he's pumping away at me at the same time grousing about how I fail to keep the house clean enough, "Look here. You can either fuck me or fight with me, but you can't do both at the same time."

He wised up, STFU, and kept pumping like a good little soldier.

No Good Ever Comes From

Taking either a Sominex or Melatonin at the same time as a laxative with a built in stool softener.

Things You Should Never Say To Someone In Crisis

1. When someone's parent or sibling passes away six weeks ago, the appropriate response is NOT, "Just get over it already."

Fuck that noise!

There Are Two Types of People In This World

1. Those who pick their nose and flick their boogers; and
2. Those who pick and eat their boogers.

(Well, really there's a third category, and those perverts are the ones who smear their nose gobblins in places you'd never expect; but who's counting!)

No Good Can Ever Come From...

Eating watermelon or tomatoes in January. 

Globalization, my pasty white ass! It just doesn't taste good. Fuck that noise!