There Are Two Types of People In This World...

1. Those whose very lives personify what you strive to be; and
2. Those whose very lives serve as nothing but a cautionary tale of what to avoid.

In either case, we have a lot to learn from both of these motherfuckers.

Shit I Have Said To My Husband

During coitus, I have had occasion to look over my shoulder, giving my husband the "fish eye" aka "hairy eyeball" and growl at him, while he's pumping away at me at the same time grousing about how I fail to keep the house clean enough, "Look here. You can either fuck me or fight with me, but you can't do both at the same time."

He wised up, STFU, and kept pumping like a good little soldier.

No Good Ever Comes From

Taking either a Sominex or Melatonin at the same time as a laxative with a built in stool softener.

Things You Should Never Say To Someone In Crisis

1. When someone's parent or sibling passes away six weeks ago, the appropriate response is NOT, "Just get over it already."

Fuck that noise!

There Are Two Types of People In This World

1. Those who pick their nose and flick their boogers; and
2. Those who pick and eat their boogers.

(Well, really there's a third category, and those perverts are the ones who smear their nose gobblins in places you'd never expect; but who's counting!)

No Good Can Ever Come From...

Eating watermelon or tomatoes in January. 

Globalization, my pasty white ass! It just doesn't taste good. Fuck that noise!

The Myriad of Ways My Neighbors Suck: An Amalgamation of Assholes

Originally posted elsewhere, July 2009:

From the moment that it’s warm enough for the birds to start to chirp until first frost, our downstairs neighbors are a noisey lot, and view living in our condo complex much like living in a tenement (i.e. hanging their hoochie mama bathing suits on the SHRUBS AND BUSHES to dry, rather than buying a drying rack and dry their clothes on their patio). They’re loud and love to do household repairs all hours of the day or night.  It’s to the point where I cannot really enjoy my balcony without my conversations being drowned out by their loud drunkeness and their second-hand smoke.

Much in the way that I had my run in with the bucktoothed bitch on the management board about my hanging my colorful kurtas on hangers and letting the warm, dry summer breeze dry them (see also: Bucktoothed Bitch), so too, have our neighbors had their requisite run in, and were summarily informed to take their bathing suits off the bushes. “This isn’t a tenement!”

So all’s been quiet here for a bit. But ever since we’ve moved in here, roughly five years ago January, we’ve had nothing but problems with neighbors, from the German guy across the hall who had a German Shephard and a Doberman in the 1000 sq foot condo across the hall (who would get out, and lunge at us if we attempted to gain access to OUR home), and the dogs would bark all day and all night. He was replaced by the gal he rented to, who had an ill-mannered pitbull named Ruby, who would jump all over us as we’d attempt to gain entry to OUR HOME. I actually had to yell out, “I don’t care if she doesn’t bite, control your dog! I don’t want her jumping on me.” Seriously, the level of douchebaggery aboundeth here.

Then there’s the Coney Island Whitefish incident from last summer, where FULL condoms started appearing on our shrubbery (ironically, the shrubbery in question are BOXwoods).

Then two years ago, some asshole decided it was a good idea to give their child or teen a pellet gun (see also: Pellet Gun Poopyhead), and he went through the parking lot and blasted out the rear windshields of everyone’s cars and managed to pop a few into the windows of some of the condos, as well.

Now, some assfuck has taken to breaking and entering.

THIS IS A NICE COMPLEX… THIS IS A NICE COMPLEX… this is what I get from the husband.
Woke up this a.m. and noticed that one of the two latches to our door to the attic appears unlatched. He claims it’s been that way for weeks. I don’t give a shit. I’d bolt the thing closed if I could.

I just want the fuck out of here. It’s a nice place for sure, but in a shit hole little town. It’s about one mile by one mile square, and we’re about 2/10th of a mile from a heavy traffic thoroughfare, with our street being a steep hill. Winter time is bothersome for me, due to ice; Summertime is bothersome for me, due to flooding (at the base of our street).

So, I’ve felt like a prisoner of sorts  not using my balcony other than having some hanging plants, or jars of pickle out to “cook” in the sun, as well as occasionally using the grill. 
So today, I decided to clean the balcony, and in doing so, I swept all the debris (dirt, leaves, dust, bird poop, etc) off my balcony, and wherever the fuck it landed? It landed. And no doubt everything on their patio now is covered in a fine layer of my sweepin’s.
I’m looking at this as my silent fuck you to them and their willfull ignorance of how to be a good neighbor.